Today, I feel like talking about myself instead of
some other topic. There are other days to do that. I guess my point is to only
introduce myself as a person before I introduce myself as a writer. I feel that
one day this information that I provide about me will have some significant
meaning in my life. I am anxious to find out.
Remember those cartoons where you would see a
character with a demon and an angel on either side of their shoulders? Well,
that is me. I have a demon on my shoulders everyday saying, “Come on Chris, and
let’s have a drink. One drink won’t kill ya”. Immediately, the angle interrupts
and in a sarcastic tone, “Sure Chris, go ahead and have another. But before you
do; remember the truth. The truth being that you have no control of the demon,
but the demon has control of you.” That is when I remember those many nights
drinking beer after beer. I once decided to drink 14 beers at 5.9% alcohol just
to see if I could do it. I cannot remember the night too well, but I do
remember hugging the toilet most of the night and in to the late afternoon of
the following day.
I am sure that many of you are
thinking, “So what. I drink all the time and I am fine”. Before you judge and
give a biased presumption, hear my story. Try and understand and sympathize with
the hell I went through. I am not going
too far in to my personal past because this blog is more about my alcoholism
and not about Chris York, but anyway, it begins in my early childhood
My father was
an alcoholic as well as abusive. I remember some horrible nights then. My first
taste of alcohol was when I was five or six. All I remember was my father
pouring a mix of Vodka and Coke and leaving it unattended. I wanted to know why
he liked it. I took a heavy swig and swallowed before my father had returned. I
cannot say if I remember the feeling, but I can say I remember that taste.
My mother finally left my father for
another active alcoholic. I do not want to say too much about him, but I will
say that it was not a pleasant relationship when he decided to sober up. Now
that I think about it, I now realize what it was that changed in him. At age 10
I began a new life many miles away from my hometown. This new world was much
different and I discovered Marijuana at age 11. By the time I was 12 I was
smoking a lot of pot as well as cigarettes and beginning to discover beer. I
remember my life really going to shit from there. Of course the combination of
Marijuana and alcohol led to some nasty drugs and horrible criminal activities,
but I can honestly say that there were more good times than bad.
Now, it is time for the scary part.
When I was 14 I attempted suicide at a friend’s party over some girl. I cannot
remember how much I had to drink and what drugs I have done, but I do remember
that I was completely wasted. At age 15 I discovered a drinking binge with 151
proof alcohol that lasted about four days. I was going through two pints a day.
One day I woke up with a crushing feeling in my chest right about where my heart
is. The pain grew worse and it felt like someone was squeezing my heart in
their hand trying to make it explode. The pain passed and I immediately told my
mother. She rushed to the hospital and I was told to stop drinking or the next
time the pain will kill me. By the time I got back home I finished my bottle
and went out to hang with friends.
Alcohol led me to some crazy places
and in some messed up situations. When I was 17 I was shacked up with an
alcoholic coke head that was married with children. We partied hard almost
every night sometimes involving the police. We were together for about three months
and I knocked her up. One day she came home crying so we drank away the sorrows
and cheered up with some blow. Then she told me that her husband made her get
an abortion and go back home to him and their family. The night ended up
involving the police, fortunately no one died. You would think by this time I
would notice that this was all getting out of hand and I was losing control of
myself. No, I refused to see it. I was having too much fun getting in to
trouble and getting in to dangerous times. By the time I was 18 I fled my town
and went north with a girlfriend. When she found out she was pregnant I decided
that we had to get married. I was trying to impress my Catholic family knowing
that they were not pleased with me and what I have become.
After my son was born I quit the cocaine
but not the alcohol. In fact I was drinking even more. I remember most of my
life I said I did not want to be my father and I was not going to be. This was during
the same time I was acting like he did with my violent behaviors and that I do
not care about anything attitude. By the time I was 20 I divorced my wife and
took our son from her. I went as low as convincing him that my new girlfriend
was his mother. At age 18 months it was easy to reprogram him. I spent another 5
to 6 years drinking a 12 pack of 5.9 % on a daily basis pissing away my life
playing videogames trying to hold a job so I could buy my beer.
I never knew that I was missing life
at the time, but over those 6 years I neglected my son and screwed up his
brain. I barely knew my son and all I was sure about was that he was mine.
Eventually I met another woman that had children and in a messed up
relationship so we decided to abandon our relationships and try one on our own.
I cannot remember and I was never told but something must have scared my
girlfriend because it was not too long from there when we decided that I should
try sobriety. The word sounded so easy to say. I was not an alcoholic. I knew
that I controlled my drinking. Boy, was I wrong.
The first few days went okay. Yeah I
craved, but I made it through. By the end of the week I was beginning to hurt.
I cannot remember it, but I do remember it feeling like something inside of me
trying to stay inside but being pulled out. I guess the best analogy is like in
the movies when you see a priest exercising a demon from a person. Remember
seeing the demon being pulled out slowly? That is what I felt. I remember my
body feeling tight all the time and I was overwhelmed by multiple emotions all
at once. I wanted to drink so bad that I would smash things and threaten my friends
and loved ones. I truly hated the world and eventually I gave in. Things got
bad and I ended up trying to sleep outside after I would get drunk and want to
fight with everyone.
I remember being drunk and terrorizing
the children at night by running around our home and tapping on the windows. At the time this was fun to me as long as I
was drunk. One day things got real bad after I decided to get extremely
trashed. I remember waking up in a jail cell and in the morning pleading guilty
to domestic violence. I did not serve jail time but I did do 2 years of
probation which kept me sober and a great program that opened my eyes to the
reality that I became my father. I think what hurt the most was knowing that I
became the very monster of my past.
I am now 30 years old and I have
been sober for about five years. I have kept a job for over 2 years which is a
record for me and I am doing okay. I failed at being father during my second
chance of being one, but I learned some valuable information from the
experience. I miss my son, but I realize I am not able to care for my son. My
girlfriend reminds me all the time that I never grew up like a normal child.
Often I argue with her, but being an adult I can understand what she is talking
about. I am now beginning to understand and realize that I did miss out on an
important childhood and the lack of proper development is being noticed to this
day. At times I know I act like a child and play videogames all day, but look
at me now. I am now every day, all day, sober working 40+ hours a week and
making good money.
I lived in a world of hell for most
of my life being controlled by alcohol and trapped in its merciless grip. I
never knew this when I was there, but I know this now. I am forever terrified
wondering if ever I went back to the bottle would I know if I am trapped. That
is when I realize that I am already trapped, but I still have a chance to get
away. The alcohol will suck me in to a world where I am blind, which sounds
great, but when I can see, I will be afraid to. Sometimes I want to not feel
all these normal emotions, but instead feel that warm touch of alcohol. That is
what I remember when I remember.
